John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Randomize