This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
