the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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