I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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