I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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