"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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