i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
