He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
