We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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