I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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