I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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