i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
