i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize