Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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