just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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