i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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