i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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