i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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