i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize