how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
