ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
