Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize