On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
