I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize