highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
