I heard we made out
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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