My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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