We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
