hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
