i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
