I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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