I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
