Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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