so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
