filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
