Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
