my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize