theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
