He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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