Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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