I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize