i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
