help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
