Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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