Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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