so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize