She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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