your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
