I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
