Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
