I just pynch a tree in the face
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
