im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
