some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
