Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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