You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
