I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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