ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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