Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
