Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
