it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
