We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
