Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
