I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
