I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize