I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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