I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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